haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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