U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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