I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
