Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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