life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
