Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
