it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You took a bar mat shot.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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