I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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