He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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