god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
