I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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