I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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