I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
