Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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