I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
