As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
