It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
