he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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