Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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