i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You pole danced in your parka.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
