I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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