Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
