We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
