i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
