He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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