I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
