Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
