Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
