FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
