i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
