What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
