the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
