You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
