The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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