I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
