I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
