I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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