So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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