my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
