It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
