I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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