Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My life is pants optional.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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