Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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