Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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