just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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