doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
