Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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