If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize