Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Your cock deserves a montage
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
