We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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