I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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