mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
