Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
