I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
