Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
