I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize