if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
