The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
